I want to begin this blog post with a rather long quote from Nadia Bolz-Weber. She is a pastor in the Lutheran denomination, author and speaker. I had the privilege of hearing her speak and she was amazing. I love her way with words and how she can get to the heart of a passage in scripture or the heart of an issue in a way that is new and enlightening. The quote comes from her blog as she is talking about 1 Corinthians 13. This is the passage written by Paul on love.
“…the mirror in which we might see ourselves as God see us gets dimmer and dimmer when the pain of being human is transmitted to us and not transformed. As our own sin and brokenness begins to be the lens through which we view ourselves and others, the mirror in which we see ourselves as God sees us grows dimmer. And then the pain of not knowing who we really are is transmitted through all the things Paul describes: arrogance, impatience, unkindness, envy, selfishness. It can be a desperate cycle based on something as simple as the truth my mother once spoke “honey, bullies bully out of their own hurt inside as though they just have to spread it”. But this is true of so many things when we think about it. I know that my own hurt is almost always the origin of my poor treatment of others. Because, as we all know, hurt people hurt people.”
Pain is something we all have. Whether it is recent pain inflicted on us or undealt with pain from our family of origin, or difficult life events, it will continue to poke at us when we least expect it until we pay attention. And of course, I am referring to emotional pain. The physical pain we have in life, we tend to just go to a doctor and get it taken care of, if it is possible. Or we find ways to manage chronic pains we must learn to live with. But emotional pain? Well, we don’t take care of it until we have to because it has decided to vomit all over our life. It typically isn’t pretty. And in those moments, we do tend to hurt the people around us. Especially if they step on one of our land mines. Those spaces of immense hurt we have buried so deep we think they can’t hurt us anymore. But…they can when we are triggered.
Last February, something happened that triggered me. It sent me on a months long journey toward healing that included some much-needed counseling. It wasn’t easy facing my pain. It hurt. I wish I could tell you it won’t hurt when you choose to face those hurts we stuff deep down where we think they can never resurface. But it will hurt. What I can tell you is that once you face your pain, it gets better. Eventually, it stops hurting and then you can move forward not only healing, but also finding that space of forgiveness, either for yourself or the person or people who caused the harm in your life.
I also wish there was a magic formula. I wish I could say to you, here are the “10 steps.” But everyone’s journey is different. What works for me, may not work for you. Your steps will look different. But the question to keep in mind is whether you are going to continue to inflict your pain out into the world or whether you are going to deal with your pain, whatever caused it, and with God and through God, transform it into something that helps you help others who may be going through similar circumstances. It is a choice each person will have to make. How will we, individually, deal with the deep hurts?
It is not hard to see how we are not dealing with the difficulties in our lives. Just scroll through social media. People post pictures of the things they are doing or of their fun family times and then others comment. Some of those comments are very mean. They are uncalled for. They need to remain unsaid, unwritten. They are designed to hurt because the individual who said or wrote them is hurting. I think some of the saddest words people can say to another when they share they are hurt and why are these: “Well, now you know how I feel.” Seriously…when we hurt, why would we want anyone to feel what we are feeling in our pain? Why? I have never understood this.
1 Corinthians 13 gives us an antidote. Love. The love Paul talks about in the 1 Corinthians passage has nothing to do with romantic love and everything to do with God’s agape love that says I will do what is best for others. I will do what helps others have a good life. I will be the light they need to see the next step on their journey. I will choose good. Being able to choose good, means we have done the work to heal and transform our pain. That gives us the courage to choose to offer empathy when others are hurting and not the toxic phrase: Well, now you know how I feel.
Peace,
Pastor Beth
Beth's Blog 